in(SECURE) - Part 1
Whenever you hear the word insecure, I would not be surprised or taken aback if you immediately thought of a weakness, being shy, lack of confirmation, floating doubt. Yet on the flip side thoughts of overcompensation, competition and attention-seeking will come from another. Randomly, I post discussion questions on my facebook page with a hashtag #FunDayQuestion. On March 23rd, 2017 my #FridayFunDayQuestion was: What are your first thoughts when you hear/see the word "insecurity"? The responses were specific just as they were broad. There were blanketed responses and others were deep.
I didn’t post my response to the question because this blog post is my answer to my own #FridayFunDayQuestion. My first thoughts that come to mind when I hear/see the word “insecurity” are uncomfortable, not confident and not trusting. Recently, I found that I hear and/or see the strong embrace of past hurts that will cause us to be afraid to heal (thanks Sharee Silerio) -- keyword afraid.
Merriam-Webster also states some keywords that stand out in the four points of its definition: uncertain, unsafe, shaky and unstable.
Being transparent - yet again, as you are on this journey with me as my life unfolds as God allows - for the past 8 or 9 weeks, I have been meditating on Mark 12:30, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength”. When I say meditating, I have been saying it under my breath every single day throughout the entire day. I was focused on the words and started doing a study on each of them in that scripture. I allowed those words to grab their shovels and start to dig into my heart. It was during this time I started to realize my areas of insecurities. The areas where I have been weak, uncertain, unsafe, shaky and unstable concerning my relationship with the Lord, with myself and with those closest to me.
When these things started to come to light, I honestly got scared and wanted to draw back. I started to have this internal agreement with doubt and self-pity that no one could see (or at least I thought they couldn’t see). In prayer, the Lord simply asked me, “Are you sure you want to love me with the vitality of your being? Will you make the exchange?” In other words, the Lord asked me, “Tracy, are you sure you want Me to show you what you are scared to give me? And when I show you, will you give Me the chance to release the power within you to let those things go?”
The first word that is in the scripture of Prov 3:5 attacks two of those four words that Webster gives us. Trust knocks out the uncertainty in your path because you have a firm and stable stance on whom you are trusting. See, I believe that insecurities are led and driven by our fears that have created a comfortable reality for us to sit in our perceptions of life. Being comfortable in my fears causes me to get defensive when the Lord tells me to let this go, it’s time to give that relationship up, it’s time to grow up or simply “I need you to come into My presence more, Tracy”. I noticed my insecurities allowed fears to speak through me in various ways. The excuses as to why I felt as though the Lord just might reject what is under the mask that I would put on for the public. I would pray that I did not cry too much during services or the open prayer out of fear that the paint will be ruined and expose my cracked face and the fear of standing alone in a church full of leaders.
I know that if I give the Lord my heart He will not reject me yet the insecurity comes in my yielding to the trust of protection I already have within me. It’s through my insecurities I have learned that my confidence is literally folded within the presence of the Lord and I have to go to The Father and get it. I have to go to The One who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that I can ever ask or think...according to the power that WORKETH in me (Eph 3:20). I have learned (and still learning) that if I give the Lord my fears He will shine through the broken pieces of my heart, my disappointments, unmet expectations, my weariness and instability then He will give me a new mind which is also in Christ Jesus and it will be with that very mindset that I will be able to enjoy and live a prosperous perception of life.
The security of knowing that God loved me (and you) so much that He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to complete His work by making atonement of our sins! He also makes sure that we are never alone by sending The Comforter, the Holy Spirit. That truth alone made me dig my roots into the soul of His word to make (and continue to make) the exchange of my heart for His, my love for His, my plans for His.
Doing this has caused my insecurities to turn into thirsting after righteousness and a deeper hunger for the Word of God and living in His presence.